Genesee Sun

Footnotes: Nasty Neighbor Nude in His Pool

Footnotes,
My neighbor has a pool and every night he swims naked. He is not sexy; he is older and has a lot of body hair. My husband and I enjoy sitting on our back deck and chatting, except every night, at about 9pm, we are interrupted by this loud, large man swimming in the buff. What is a polite, yet firm way to explain to him we can see him—and don’t want to?

Dear Blinded by the Night,

Pool owners share many common characteristics, they love dumping vast amounts of caustic chemicals into bodies of water, and they like the freedom of swimming naked. I wonder if your neighbor knows that you and your hubby can see him when he takes his skinny-dip at 9pm? You can find out by offering a friendly wave and a neighborly shout of, “hello” in his direction when he makes his nude debut. Knowing that you can see into his yard might solve the situation. However, your neighbor could already know that he is on display, and he might just not care.

Many men consider the pool to be a larger form of the bathtub-a place to wash and relax, letting the chlorine cleanse your hair and soften your calluses. If you consult a man, they will tell you that pool shock chemicals do wonder for athlete’s foot and other fungal infections. I say this because you often hear of hairy, older men swimming in the buff, but rarely do you hear of hot, young women doing the same. If your neighbor continues his bare-bottom breast stroke, you might have to suck it up and buy a privacy fence or simply turn your deck chairs in the opposite direction.

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Footnotes: Costly Camp Footnotes Worth Peace and Quiet

Dear Footnotes,

My kid wants to go to summer camp and it is an outrageous cost. What do you think, is summer camp worth it?

Penny-Pinching Parent,

Have you seen the cost of summer camp? I have been thinking about opening my own summer camp here at the house. For only half the price of a regular camp, kids could experience fun activities such as learning to swim while skimming the bugs out of my pool and a super-fun scavenger hunt (which closely resembles my grocery list and takes place in a grocery store.)

If you have the money, summer camp can totally be worth it. Although it is shocking to me that anyone would spend upwards of $250 per week to sleep in a tent with other sweaty adolescents and eat soggy chicken nuggets for every meal. The benefit of a summer camp is, as a parent, you have a full week of peace and quiet—which you usually wreck by crying into your wine because you can’t remember what people without children do in their free time.

Try to investigate camps thoroughly…yes, they all have a bug-ridden pond and damp, smelly tents, and a corny theme…but what you really want to know is what’s their “tattle” policy? Your child will engage in some astoundingly stupid activities—a good summer camp will take care of this in-house and have a smile on their face and a glowing report when you pick your kid up. It is an unwritten rule, if they cashed your check, all you want to hear is positive.

If you have one of those high-maintenance children who get homesick, wet the bed, or are allergic to things like “the outside,” for the sake of the camp counselors, keep them at home.

Footnotes: Drunken Revenge

Dear Footnotes,

I found out my boyfriend was cheating so I slashed all 4 of his tires. Immature? Yes! But here is the worst part: After I found out the jerk was cheating I got stupidly drunk before I slashed his tires…and wrote “cheater” and other nasty things all over his car windows with soap. The next day I heard in the neighborhood about the “crime” but that it had happened to someone else’s car…so here’s the big problem…in my drunken state I slashed the tires of and decorated the WRONG CAR—a car that looks just like his! Now I feel awful! What should I do? I want to make restitution, but I don’t want to be arrested.

Dear Drunken Revenge:

I imagine the confused expression on the face of the individual who owns the “wrong car” you so stupidly mistook as your boyfriends. On top of having what I presume was a really bad morning of washing profanity off of the windows and purchasing 4 new tires I hope your unintended victim also didn’t have to explain this mishap to their equally confused partner.  Even if your boyfriend was the biggest scumbag on the planet AND you were smart enough to destroy the right car—you would have to make good on your damage. 
The best case scenario would be to sit down with the victim of your attack and explain what happened-then offer payment in full. The problem with this is that there is probably a police report and insurance claim, so you would most likely face criminal charges. I think you realize your stupidity, and hopefully you get some anger management help so this never happens again.

The best solution for all seems to be this: Find the address of the car’s owner and type an apology letter explaining what happened to their car—make it anonymous. Include in this “letter” cash to cover the price of the tires (check on the internet for the make and model  of the car and add a couple hundred bucks for a car wash, towing fees, and general frustration.) This should realign your karma and set the car’s owner right at the same time.

Next time you find out your significant other is cheating instead of changing your life into a hilarious country song do what sane people do—look fabulous, and find another man worthy of your attention.

Footnotes: Bait and Shoot, Shoot, Shoot

Dear Footnotes,
Recently there has been a lot of debate about baiting and shooting deer. What’s the solution to the “deer” problem in many local parks and villages?

Deer Baited Question,
Deer are like large rodents with one exception…their brains are smaller than the brains of rats. Anything as large as a deer shouldn’t be so stupid. I once had a friend tell me that she thought hunting was cruel and all hunters should have to wear brown suits and antlers—no way!

Deer are a nuisance! The wreck gardens, run into cars, have rabies and spread Lyme Disease.  Do deer do anything GOOD? No! They steal corn and hang out in the middle of the road late at night waiting for unsuspecting motorists. I have seen the deer of the proposed local bait and shoot program; they are full-on trashy deer. They don’t do any normal deer things like frolicking or looking around with doe-eyes. These deer are village fed moochers. After grazing on some birdfeeders and guzzling out of birdbaths, the overfed, wandering venison burgers waddle around town looking for a car to saunter in front of. I think my argument is well made—bait and shoot, shoot, shoot.

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